Not for the faint of heart

Recently I have found myself reading about those whose faith has faltered or left them completely and my heart feels shattered. I don't know many in person (although there are a few that are very dear to me), but my feelings are the same no matter the relationship or lack thereof. As I found myself reading a blog post today by a woman whose husband has made the decision to walk away from the church she said something that touched a nerve in me. She asked how much different it would be if the questions asked in temple recommend interviews were about love instead of about doctrine.  So many agreed with her but as I read it, my heart once again sank. It was the same reaction I felt when a change was announced earlier this year, a change I didn't understand and I had to spend much time in prayer seeking peace to understand or accept it. My first reaction was the feeling that the younger the generations get, the fainter of heart they feel. That the strength of those first pioneer saints which never ceases to amaze me, seems to dissipate more with each generation. That so many seek to make everything about love and acceptance and tolerance; all of which are good and necessary but not enough on their own. But my next reaction came through the still small voice that whispered and enlightened and helped me know that one of those three is what it is all about.

  Love - it is enough, but only in the right context and the right definition, and I think this is what was missing in her understanding. All of those temple questions may seem about doctrine and rules but that is only superficial. What they are about is love but not about the kind of love she mentioned. They are about Pure Love - the love we show and have for our Heavenly Father, and for His Son, our Savior. They are about the love they have for us. When I pay my tithing, I am showing my love for them. I trust that when I make that sacrifice, I am putting my life in their hands and trusting in the promises that come with obedience to that commandment. When I am asked about my family and my relationship with them, I am declaring to the Lord that my stewardship He has given me with my family is one He would approve of, and I know He understands better than anyone what I am going through when those relationships aren't always healthy and once again I am trusting Him to bless me when I need it.
When I am asked about my support of my leaders, I am doing so out of love for my Heavenly Father and my leaders. I know they are people called of God, but I know they are not perfect. Neither am I, but once again I am putting my trust in my Heavenly Father and His Son. I am letting them know that I will support those whom they call and trusting them to help me do that. Every time I am asked about my testimony of my Savior, I tear up. It is the one time, I have the privilege of declaring that He is my Savior in front of a witness. I know that testimony is written in the Heavens and I know that my Savior and my Father in Heaven also bear witness of it.

I will admit that I don't understand all of the questions. However, I also know that unless I trust, give my heart and will over to my Father in Heaven and His Son, I will never feel worthy to enter the presence of the Lord one day. I am so thankful that I have the privilege attend the temple, to be asked difficult things, because the temple is the House of the Lord. He walks those hallowed halls, I have felt His presence there.  I am at peace because I could answer the difficult questions.  I don't judge those who can't answer those questions. I pray for them and I hope they feel the love I have for them. I hope they can also feel the love their Savior has for them and the healing power of the Atonement in their lives.  Deuteronomy says that "the Lord your God proveth you, to know whether ye love the Lord your God."  In D&C it says "And we know also, that sanctification through the grace of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ is just and true, to all those who love and serve God with all their mights, minds, and strength." We can't be faint of heart during these times, it takes all of our heart, might, mind and strength to live the way we need to to be able to be worthy to return to Him and be in His presence again.

Letting go........welcoming home

I wrote this blog post for another blog that I contribute to, but I wanted to preserve it on here for me so if you read it elsewhere, bear with me. Thanks!

So many milestones and so many emotions. Most of us remember the first day we watched our sweet 5 year old climb the stairs of the bus to head off to Kindergarten.   I don’t know about you but I was a little teary eyed.  The worst one was my youngest. He was excited and I was feeling a little lonely.  But after a bit, wow I actually got some things accomplished!  Then I remember sending my oldest to college – her graduation was a time of rejoicing for all of us. She struggled all through high school and that diploma was a huge victory for her~ but college, well that was hard. I didn’t sleep much for the first week. Then, I discovered a whole host of positives and started to enjoy her journey with her.  Sending my son on a mission was easy.  I missed him but I knew exactly what he was going to experience and I loved every minute of that journey.  Watching him come home early was the hard part.  Experiencing the struggle he has had the past four months has been heart wrenching so you’d think that last Sunday when I put him on a plane for South Carolina that I would be rejoicing in the fact that he is embarking on a new journey of self discovery.  I think I cried more that weekend than any other time I have had to watch a child go, and yet now, once again, i can see positives for him and for our family.

  As a parent, we have to experience many types of letting go.  Some, like the ones I mentioned, are obvious.  Graduations, wedding, missions, college, work….all are part of our children’s growing up processes. They are milestones in their lives that signify that maybe as a parent, we have done something right.  Yet how often do we second guess ourselves during these milestones?  Have I taught them everything they need to know?  Have I helped them gain the confidence they will need to succeed?  Do they know the value of hard work?  Will they make the right choices once they are out of my sphere of influence?  Will they remember the things they have been taught?  Is the world ready for my child?  All we can tell ourselves is that we did our best.  And really, the most important question that we need to ask is, Do they know that I love them, no matter what?

There are so many types of letting go that we do as parents besides the physical.  We have to let go of anger, of fear, of our own personal dreams, of financial stability and a host of other things.  But we have chosen to do that willingly because we love being mothers and fathers, but mostly we do it because we love our children.

This is going to get a bit personal, but this last week was Easter. As I have thought about watching my son leave and how much it hurt, my thoughts kept returning to my Father in Heaven and how He had to watch His children leave to come to earth. My children, as I send them off, remember me.  They hopefully know that i love them and that I am constantly here for them.  His children came to earth with absolutely no memory of Him, or the life they lived before.  They (we) are taught by earthly parents and guided by a conscience (which we refer to as the light of Christ) or by the Holy Ghost.  His children have to learn of Him through teachings and then through faith.  They don’t get to go home for Christmas. They don’t get the comfort of a hug when things go bad.  They don’t have the ability to talk with Him face to face, instead have to learn to pray and how to understand how the Spirit communicates with them.  A long, drawn out process that can take years.  I can’t even imagine how He does it.  How He has let us go so perfectly and how patiently He waits for us to come to Him.  

Then, on top of all of this, there is Jesus Christ, our Elder Brother.  As I watched my son leave, I knew he would have difficult times. I knew he would struggle.  There would be moments he would want to give up.  i also knew that I am just a phone call away. That whatever he deals with, i am going to be there. I also knew that he would have to walk some of this journey alone in order to grow.  I know that is exactly what Heavenly Father knows about us, but when I think about Gethsemane and the cross at Golgotha, it takes my breath away. As a father, it must have been beyond words to watch the suffering His son went through in Gethsemane.  I imagine He sent angels to be with the Savior because He couldn’t be there.  Then as Christ hung on the cross, can you imagine how painful it must have been for Heavenly Father to leave Jesus to suffer alone.  So much so that he cried out to the Father and asked why He had forsaken him.  It was necessary but I don’t know if I could have done it.  Kind of gave a whole new perspective to the letting go process to me.  I am grateful for the examples of my Father in Heaven and my Heavenly Mother (if you aren’t LDS – ask me about what we believe about her).  They show me every day the kind of parent I know I need to be.  

 I guess that what I want to end up saying is that letting go isn’t such a bad thing, even though it is hard.  I know the day my son flies home from South Carolina, I am going to see why it was so important to let him go.  And isn’t that what letting go is all about, welcoming them home again?!  I know to the Father it is

Things I wish you knew

 Today I filled out a stupid questionnaire on fb - "what color is your aura?"  Yeah yeah I know, I succumbed because I was bored or something.  Actually I know why I did it, it was a something not boredom.  A something called distraction.  I needed one and it didn't work.  I actually decided that facebook is really smart on occasion - this dumb test told me that my aura is black and I am afraid I have to agree.  One of the questions asked what I wanted to be and I answered a hermit.  That was an honest answer and one that is rather wishful thinking. 
  Did I ever tell you I met a hermit and taught him on my mission?  His name was Mr Hardman and I loved that man but that is another story.

 I have a problem, I get on facebook because I like to know how my friends are but I don't have to talk to them unless I feel like it - the hermit thing again.  My problem is that I don't have a lot in common with them anymore. Sometimes the differences make me angry, sometimes they make me sad and sometimes they leave me with a huge hole in my heart that feels like it will never be filled again.  Of course all of those emotions make me feel guilty because I choose not to be involved where there are differences.

 For example, a lot of my friends have missionaries out in the field.  They are amazing young men and women who are making a difference in places all over the world. I love what they are doing - I just don't want to hear about it anymore.  My sweet son will never experience these things anymore, he belongs to an exclusive club called ERMs.  Early Returned missionaries.  Sad that there are enough of them that they now have an acronym.  But there are some things that I wish people would know and understand about these sweet young adults and their families.


1- I know you miss your missionary.  Please understand that I am not lucky to see my son again and spend time with him. I do love seeing him again but I wish a million times he were back out in the mission field.  You see, I miss my missionary too. I miss the spirit his letters brought into my home, I miss the growth I could see in him day by day, and you know what, he misses the mantle and the spirit even more than I do.

2- He isn't going to be your typical returned missionary.  He never had time to finish the process and right now he is a little lost.  Please don't expect too much of him, but encourage him to talk about his mission and share his testimony, and please be grateful your child will have the opportunity to finish that two years/18 months.  The time makes such a difference. I know Heavenly Father will make up the difference but it won't happen overnight. 

3 - If you have children his age, please explain to them that he needs their friendship and support. The hardest thing my son has experienced has been the feeling of rejection he has felt from his closest friends who are home.  The missionary friends have been wonderful - so supportive and full of love.  The ones at home have really hurt him.

4 - Please don't be hurt if I don't comment or ask about your missionary as often as I used to. I love your children as much as I ever did and I pray for them each night.  However, some days it is all I can do to breathe.  

5 - He was honorably released - there is a very small chance he will return and that is ok.  He already feels like a failure and hates himself, please don't ask or pressure him about going back to the mission field.  Believe me, if it were his choice right now that is where he would be.  It was much easier there than it is here.  He was honorably released and that is enough said
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6 - He loves the Lord and has a testimony - this wasn't about that.  I am grateful for that and the Lord is going to use him.  Heavenly Father has a plan for him. He is loved by the Lord. All of those things I know.


  I hope you can understand why I am telling you all of this. Maybe it will help someone understand a little more about this process and those of us who are going through it.  I hope no one who reads this has to go through it but if you do please feel free to talk to us.  I love you all and so appreciate your love and friendship!
  

Not always an easy road - A tribute to my mother

This is my mother and my sweet sister.  Charity was born with hydranencephaly. This means that while she was in her mother's womb she suffered a stroke.  Her brain stem had formed but the stroke stopped her brain from forming. She also had what is known as water on the brain - meaning her head was filled with fluid where her brain should have been located. This is what kept her head from collapsing.  My parents adopted Charity while I was serving an LDS mission in England and I first met her when she was 6 months old.  While Charity's story is my favorite in the world, this post is not really going to be about her but about the amazing woman who is holding her - my mother, Kathy Yorgason.

My mother first decided to adopt Charity, years before she was born.  She had a dream about this little girl and set out to find her through every means and resource she had available.  She and my father became foster parents through LDS social services taking care of newborn babies waiting to be placed because my mother knew this was the avenue she needed to take to find this little girl.  You need to know that at this time, my mother already had six children.  During the birth of her last child, her uterus ruptured and my mother died and my sister was born dead.  Through a series of miracles and priesthood blessings, both of them were saved.  However, this took its toll on my mother's health.  I do not remember a time that my mother hasn't spent her days in pain. Despite all of this, her smile rarely falters and she is constantly found serving and helping others.

When Charity finally came into our family, it was my mother that provided most of her care.  It was constant. Charity spent several years in and out of hospitals.  They sent her home to die at one point and I know it was the love of my mother and father that started her healing.  Charity couldn't walk, eat or take care of herself at all. She couldn't communicate except through her smile and the Spirit. We helped my mom but mostly we were busy living our lives.  My mother gave up her life to make Charity's life as good as possible while she lived.  I could feel the love my sister had for my mom.  Despite her handicaps I know she knew how much my mother sacrificed for her. Charity lived almost 8 years and during that time I doubt my mother was gone from her side for more than a week. My mom's health has never been the same since and despite that, I know if given the choice she would have her back again.  It was a sacrifice she was willing to make and one that even today she will tell you was no sacrifice but a privilege.

I have watched other moms make these same kinds of sacrifices.  I have read blogs and articles about mothers feeling the same feelings of privilege at raising children born with special needs.
Not every woman feels comfortable raising a child that is born special but I believe every woman who mothers with the aid of her Father in Heaven can succeed with and embrace that amazing experience.  Motherhood is not an easy road and sometimes it is even more challenging than we can comprehend. I am so grateful that I have had the privilege of being raised by a mother like mine and she is my true example and best friend.  I honor her sacrifices and know that the day she gets to see Charity again there will be a sweet beautiful reunion.

Some things I am learning

Recently I have been learning some things about myself, my husband, and my children that I have a feeling are going to change everything. I haven't always been the best mom.Learning how to be a parent is a process and sometimes we make mistakes.

Maybe part of the problem was I didn't really understand myself very well. I know parts of me extremely well and some I like and some I definitely don't like. I am sure that is the same with all of you.  Last week I discovered something that has showed me a whole different understanding of myself and my family. We all need to grow and change in our lives. It is part of learning to become like Christ. However, even the scriptures teach us that with prayer and faith our weaknesses can become strengths. . The link I shared is a free course I have been watching for the past 5 days. I have learned some amazing things about me, about Dave and about my children. I actually ordered the following book- last week. This is the same woman who has done both and I am really intrigued by what she is teaching me. I think if I had understood even a part of this, I would have been a better parent. It is never too late to learn. I am really excited about this and I invite all of you to go on these websites and see if what Ms Tuttle is teaching is valid to you also. :)

 Have a wonderful day!

www,dressingyourtruth.com
www.thechildwhisperer.com

I know....I know....

It has been forever since I even thought about writing on my blog. I am not sure why- life seems to distract me I guess- but lets see if I can post more often than once every 18 months, shall we? Holy mackerel that is a sister's mission... Speaking of missionaries - I have one: Yep that's him- Elder Mitchell Bestenlehner with his former mission president and his wife (Pres Derek Cordon and Sister Bonnie Cordon). He is currently serving in the Brasil Curitiba South Mission and loving it. I think he is the reason I am back on here. He has been out 7 months and I have seen such growth in him. Last week some things happened that starkly pointed out to me that while my wonderful missionary is growing and becoming such a strong servant of the Lord, his mom has slowly been losing a little bit of her strength. Not in my testimony, which I hold very near to my heart, but in my thoughts, the way I treat others, and my focus in my day to day life. I have let cares of the world(and believe me they are valid and they are many) distract me from having the kinds of experiences that will allow me to grow along with my son. So I am turning this blog into a journey of sorts. It was always meant to be a documentary of a journey, hence the title, but I think I lost a little bit of my focus along the way. I may not post often. I think one of my distractions has been the internet. I don't think it is bad, but I think it needs to be used with purpose and for the intent to aid my family and I in our journey to eternity. And I hope to use it to aid my son in his endeavors to share the joyous news of the gospel. Him in Brasil and me in Vernal. I would love to have you join me in this and please share your input. I can't always see everything clearly and I welcome your comments.

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger

That was the song playing this morning as I tried to run.  I grinned through my frustration because I thought how appropriate it was today. 

I haven't exercised for a week and holy treadmills it makes a difference. Two of the days I got called in early to teach Seminary which I loved and so I should have made time afterwards but I got busy and didn't.  Then I developed a migraine which lasted for three days.  It kept coming in waves and wasn't anything I care to repeat in the future. Everything I have heard or read tells me I can't exercise during a migraine (not that I would have been able to anyway) so when I finally felt better but weak yesterday I rejoiced. 

I think my motto should be two steps forward and about ten back.  I have finally come to the realization that my goal may not be attainable as soon as I wanted but I WILL run that 5k!  Lorie if you are reading this, it isn't an excuse just a declaration of resolve.  I am going to run,  I am going to get in shape, and actually I think the migraine issue will resolve itself the healthier I become.  If not then I will have to overcome another weakness and actually show up at a doctor's appt. lol.

Thanks all of you who are my examples in this!!!